Funny Stuff: How to make your new boss almost regret hiring you

Funny Stories, Funny Stuff, Photos, Writing
Originally published on September 1, 2010 on My Mind’s Focused.

circus-elephants

A few years ago, I made a career transition from the “warm and fuzzy” non-profit world to the “white collar” corporate arena.  I had done my research, talked to people in the industry and read a ton of articles, so I was ready to get that corporate money!  However, one almost fateful day, I decided to get “creative” and make my new boss question her decision to hire me in the first place.

One of my first duties on the job was to write a welcome letter introducing myself to the other people on our floor.  There were over 80 people on the floor, so this was the best way to get your name known.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well, let’s not forget that I had just spent the previous 2.5 years working for an organization where it was routine for full-blown soccer games to break out in the hallway around 3 pm.  No chance of soccer or any other fun activity happening at 3 pm at my new place of employment.

There were people at my new company who pulled down over a million dollars a year in salary, so the workplace atmosphere was a bit more serious.  Regardless, not realizing that I was “not in Kansas anymore,” I wrote the following welcome letter and had the nerve to proudly send it to my boss.

Disclaimer:  This is the EXACT letter I sent to my new boss.  Only the name of the companies and people have been changed to save them from embarrassment.

Dear “New Company,”

I would like for you to join me in welcoming LeAndrew “Lee” Rankin to our team.  Lee comes to us after spending the majority of his life in the frigid northeast.  After growing up in the one square block that is East Providence, Rhode Island, he ventured further north to the frozen tundra of Waterville, Maine where he tamed giant moose and other wild furry animals while earning his B.A. in History from Colby College in 2003.

While in college, Lee was very active as student-athlete and student community leader.  In addition to working hard in the classroom and training the local wildlife for careers in the circus, he served as captain of the men’s track and field team and as the student liaison to the Colby Board of Trustees.

After college, Lee spent the next few years working in Baastin (translation: Boston) for “Warm & Fuzzy Non-Profit,” a non-profit organization that provides literacy and athletic programs for Boston’s inner-city youth.  As the Program and Development Associate, Lee was responsible for juggling soccer balls daily while coordinating the organization’s fundraising events, marketing and public relations strategies, and annual donor outreach programs.

After mastering the art of juggling spherical objects while riding atop a very large wild animal, Lee decided to take his show on the road and head to Atlanta.  After building up a significant fan base while touring the Georgia countryside, word of Lee’s talents spread to the “New Company” offices.

After wowing “Lee’s New Boss,” Lee’s New Bosses’ Boss,”  and “Lee’s New Bosses’ Other Boss” with his show in the parking lot, Lee was offered a position as the Marketing and Development Coordinator for the “New Company.”  Lee says that he is very excited to be here at “New Company” and can’t wait to decipher the acronym code “New Boss” tries to confuse him with when she takes him to meetings.

Talk about putting your new job on the line!  After sending this to my new boss, she walked over, totally bewildered and not knowing exactly what to think of my “welcome letter,” she said, “Yeah…….it’s really creative BUT…. I’m pretty serious about my work, so we won’t be sending that one out!”

Way to impress the new boss, Lee!!

Luckily, not being totally brain dead, I had also wrote a “professional” version of my welcome letter.  It’s below for your reading pleasure, but not as exciting though.  For the record, my new boss never sent out either version of my letter.  Guess she didn’t want the liability on her hands.  Don’t blame her!

Dear “New Company,”

I would like for you to join me in welcoming LeAndrew “Lee” Rankin to our team.  Lee comes to us after spending the majority of his life in the northeast.  After growing up in East Providence, Rhode Island, he ventured further north to Waterville, Maine where he earned his B.A. in History from Colby College in 2003.  While in college, Lee was very active as student-athlete and student community leader.  In addition to working hard in the classroom, he served as captain of the men’s track and field team and as the student liaison to the Colby Board of Trustees.

After college, Lee spent the next few years working in Boston for “warm & fuzzy non-profit,” a non-profit organization that provides literacy and athletic programs for Boston’s inner-city youth.  As the Program and Development Associate, Lee was responsible for coordinating the organization’s fundraising events, marketing and public relations strategies, and annual donor outreach programs.

After fulfilling his wish to “give something back” to the community, Lee decided to try his luck in Atlanta and has found a home with “New Company.”  Lee will be working for “New Boss” as the Marketing and Development Coordinator for the “New Department.”  Lee says that he is very excited to be here at “New Company” and can’t wait to do whatever it takes to contribute to the team.

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