Funny Stuff: Where in the world is Worldwide Wes?

Funny Stuff, Writing
Originally published on July 22, 2010 on My Mind’s Focused.

The crazy world of professional basketball.  Millionaire athletes, megalomaniac owners, jet-setting mistresses and more personal advisers than necessary – and that’s just (or was) the Cleveland Cavaliers!

If you’ve been within 100 yards of a TV, computer or a right-handed iPhone 4 user, you’ve read more about LeBron James than the BP oil leak, the world economic meltdown and Lil’ Wayne’s prison release date combined.  (Yes, Lil’ Wayne is that important to some people.)  I could give you my opinion about LeBron’s decision, but that isn’t going to help me make a dollar or burn a calorie, so I’ll keep that to myself.

However, if you were following this made-into-TV movie, you couldn’t help but read about William “Worldwide” Wesley, the most important behind-the-scenes man in basketball and a trusted adviser to LeBron.  According to Wes, LeBron was Chicago bound.  So when LeBron landed in the Windy City, the earth would start rotating again.

Unfortunately, for Wes, this never happened.  During intermission of Le Circ du LeBron, Wes took a bathroom break and lost his seat to Gloria Estefan, so off to Miami LeBron went.  From there, all Wes could do was go back to doing what no one really knew what he did in the first place.

Ok, so Gloria Estefan probably had no role in LeBron’s decision, but I do think there were fundamental differences between Wes’ vision and what LeBron wanted for himself.  Wes was thinking basketball immortality.  However, LeBron had other plans.  This is how I think LeBron broke the news to Wes:

Wes: You ready to sign with Chicago, LeBron?

LeBron: Chicago?  Nah, man.  I’m going to Miami.

Wes: MIAMI?  LeBron, you’re the BEST player in the NBA!  Why would you want to share the spotlight with Dwayne Wade?  You need your OWN team!

LeBron: Nah, D-Wade is my mans.  Plus, who wants the pressure of playing in the shadow of Michael Jordan?

Wes: LeBron, listen to me!  If you go to Chicago, you can overtake Jordan as the GREATEST PLAYER EVER!

LeBron: Man…I don’t care about all of that.  Like I said, I just want to have fun.  Man, I got my own puppet!  Nike made a puppet – of ME!  You’ve seen my commercials.  Michael Jordan doesn’t have a puppet!

Wes: Puppet?  What?!  I’m trying to make you a basketball legend and you’re concerned about a damn puppet!

LeBron: Wes, my mind is made up.  I’m taking my talents to South Beach.  Hmmm…I like the way that sounds!  Might have to use that again.

Wes: Fine then, LeBron!  It’s your decision, so I wish you the best of luck.

LeBron: Thanks, Wes!  I appreciate it, man!  Hey, you think D-Wade wants a puppet?  I’ll get him one.

That was the last time we saw Worldwide Wes.  Hopefully, he’ll surface soon because rubbing elbows with athletes is too much fun to give up.  Not that I would know what rubbing the elbows of athletes or any grown man feels like, but to each his own.


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