Funny Stuff: Body ills and Blue pills

Funny Stuff, Writing

Originally published on July 21, 2010 on My Mind’s Focused.

This is the clean version of “Houston, we have a problem…

Do you have an unexplainable odd habit?  Well, for step five in my self-prescribed therapy, I have to tell complete strangers about mine:

I’m a sleepwalker.

At first, I thought sleepwalking was humorous.  Some people find Bill Bellamy funny, my thing is sleepwalking.  However, due to my latest sleepwalking episode, I no longer find it funny or even slightly amusing.  Though my opinion of Bill Bellamy remains the same.

The other night, I laid down on my couch with a pounding headache.  Even with the TV on mute and tuned to Univision (I don’t speak a lick of Spanish, but I LOVE me some Univision!), I couldn’t get comfortable.  Time for Plan B.  I walked to the medicine cabinet, took two blue headache pills, got into bed and started counting those cute, fluffy sheep as they paraded through my thoughts.

6:30 am.  Feeling better but still in dire need of caffeine if I had any hope to Carpe Diem, I walked into the kitchen and hit the lights.  Hmmm…..why is there a pack of cheese on the countertop?  Also, why is there an empty cheese wrapper in the sink?  What in lactose-hell is going on here?  Did someone break into my apartment last night and eat my cheese?

Nervously, I glanced at my front door.  Still locked.  I then checked my balcony door.  Still locked too.  Something ain’t right here.  Was it me who ate the cheese?  Nah, couldn’t have been – no cheese on these teeth.  I even looked around for a runaway slice of good ’ol American cheddar, but no luck.  What’s going on here?  Seriously, who ate my cheese?

Totally bewildered, I came to the sobering conclusion that it must have been ME who ate the cheese.  I must have sleepwalked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, took out the pack of cheese, ate one slice, threw the wrapper in the sink, left the rest on the countertop and then went back to bed.  Jesus H. Christ!

It took a while, but I finally came to grips with the fact that I’m a sleepwalking, late-night cheese eater.  This is serious stuff!  Where do I go from here?  Honestly, I have no clue.

I still don’t know the exact cause, rhyme or reason behind my sleepwalking.  The only possibility is that I had some weird reaction to those blue headache pills.  (And for the record, not those “blue pills” from the TV commercials either!  Get your head out of the gutter.)  As a precaution, I have stopped using those pills and, and as far as I know, I haven’t sleepwalked, or unknowingly snacked on cheese or other dairy products, since then.  Guess I’ll just have to chalk this up as an unsolved mystery.

This has been a trying time for me, but let me leave you with a few words that help me get through the days: No matter how strong the headache or loud the sneeze, don’t take the magic blue pills and don’t eat the cheese!


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