Funny Stuff: The Scooter Store

Funny Stuff, Writing
Originally published April 4, 2010 on YouAlreadyKnowWhoItIs.com.

Update: The Scooter Store ceased operations in 2013.

I know you’ve seen the commercials for The Scooter Store on TV, right?  However, have you ever visited the site?  No?  Well don’t worry, YAKWII did that, so hopefully you won’t have to go thru that!

After a few weeks of car problems and sore feet, I figured that I needed to find a new way to get around town.  Just to humor myself, I checked out The Scooter Store website.

Wow…they got a whole lot goin on over there!  Way more than you would think. 

OK, when you first start cruising around the site, you see what you expect to see – power wheelchairs like the Pride Mobility Go Chair below.

Nothing fancy.  However, if you keep looking around, you’ll see they have some wild sh*t on there!  Exhibit A:

The EV Rider Royale 3 Wheel Scooter. This isn’t your grandma’s powerchair!  This thing has a headlight, rear view mirrors and off-road tires!  What!  Just where the hell is granny going on one of these?

If my grandparents were still alive, there’s no way in HELL I’m letting them get on one of these.  They’d probably run me over.  This is just the beginning, it gets better…

The EV Rider Royale 4 Wheel Scooter. They take it up a notch and give you a 4-wheel option.  And if you rollin with your boo, you can cop the two seater.  Flossin.

C’mon now.  Who is The Scooter Store foolin?  These ain’t for old folks!  Just look at the mean grill on these things.  You can put in major work on one of these.  And this is just the basic model…

You can splurge and get a lockbox to hold the guns and the drugs!  Again, look at this thing!  This scooter ain’t made for casual rides down the street to visit your dear friend, Gertrude.  Nah, this deeper.  But you think this is crazy, check the next “scooter” they got on there.

The EV Rider Vita 4 Wheel.  This is a f*ckin Lambo, not no damn scooter!  C’mon, what old person is going to rock this?  This is made to run from the cops.  On top of the slick paint job, it’s got shocks and fenders.  Perfect for a high-speed chase.  Guarantee this thing goes at least 50 mph!

And to top it all off….

The Shoprider Flagship 4 Wheel Scooter. This is not a scooter, this is a car.  It has doors and a windshield.  This is not a scooter, this is a f*cking car.

So after seeing all of this at The Scooter Store, my mind started racing.  What is really going on here?  Why would old people need this type of heavy-duty and high-speed equipment?

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer.  However, there has been a whole lot of militia activity poppin off across the good ol’ US of A recently.  Are the old folks about to mobilize and start rollin up on young people?

I don’t know.  However, I’ll tell you one thing, I’m bout to strap up and keep a watch out.  I ain’t goin out like that.  I ain’t bout to get got by granny!  No sir!  YAKWII stay with the Army guns!  C’mon Bertha, try me.  Just try me!

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2 thoughts on “Funny Stuff: The Scooter Store

  1. Hey, loved your post, but as the sister that runs that site, I can give you some 411 on who buys those scooters. First off, there are two different sites… http://www.thescooterstore.com is our main site, and the power chairs on there are often reimbursed by Medicare or other insurance for the mobility impaired. Now http://www.thescooterstoreonline is a credit-card only site where you can buy some fly scooters, true dat. But none of them go over 12 miles an hour, so they are better for stylin around the neighborhood or playing golf than other kinds of mischief you mentioned. Lots of the people who buy them are in their 70s and 80s…you’re never too old to be cool!

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    1. Cat, thanks for the reply and the info! Much respect. I’m still in my 20s, but when I get up in age, I’ll def have to check for The Scooter Store. I can see myself riding one of these down my driveway to chase the kids out of my yard with my cane!

      Like

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