Funny Stuff: 12 am on my way to the club……

Funny Stuff, Writing
Originally published on February 21, 2009 on YouAlreadyKnowWhoItIs.com.

Yo….You Already Know Who It Is!  It’s me back on my grizzly, bringing you the newest, flyest, dopest, craziest, illest and most ridiclouousest blog in the universe!  You all came here to get it in real quick so, we gonna get back at it.

We were scheduled to have Miss New Booty continue her interview with Mr. Books, but apparently he’s still on that phone call that he received like 3 days ago.  And I really have no clue where the hell Miss New Booty is right now!  I did pay her for the first half of the interview she did this week so, there’s a good chance she’s somewhere smoking up that “check!”

smoking_money

I’m sure she’ll come back around when she needs to re-up.  In the meantime, I’m gonna drop some functional fashion knowledge on you all!

I got give credit to my homegirl, the Doctor, who put me on to this.  She told me about these shoes by this brand called Vibram.  Since I’m always on the look out for new gear, I checked out the site.  They got some hot sh*t on there!

They’ve got a bunch of different shoe styles, but it seems like they mainly focused on  the outdoor lifestyle kinda demographic.  You know…those hiking, canoeing, granola eating, no shower taking, acid dropping, free loving and  tree hugging type motherf*ckers.   Well I ain’t really on that type of sh*t, but I recognize fly sh*t when I see it!  I was especially intrigued by thier Five Fingers line.

5-fingersI already know what you all are saying!  WTF are those??  Where the f*ck you are going wearing those sh*ts on your feet??  This fool has definitely lost his mind!!  Blah, Blah, Blah!  You know what???  Ya’ll need to stimulate your   minds!  Think outside of the box, bubble, triangle or whatever you got your minds stuck up in!  I’m about to school all of you real quick!!

Like I said, Vibram intended these for those outdoor types, but even they are missing out on a HUGE market!!!  What is that market???  All of you who stay in the CLUB!!  Of course, you all are cursing me out again right now telling me I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about!  Well, like I said….I’m about to school you REAL QUICK!!!

Ok, here’s the scenario.  It’s Friday evening around 7pm.  You’ve talked to all your people and you’ve decided you are going to hit the club tonight.

glasscactusexterior

You know, just say f*ck it and let loose!  Get a lil sippy, get your lil grind on, your lil flirt on, basically just do your thing.

So you at the crib trying on different outfits, trying to find something that fits and feels just right.  Finally, after a few hours – you’re looking good!  You’re hair is just right….

presentation1000You all lotioned up, tanned up and teeth are gleaming….

skincare2

But most importantly, your gear is fitting TIGHT!!!!!

cross

Your peoples come scoop you and you all head to the club.  The line outside is mad long but you all are FOCUSED.  When you get inside, it’s packed and the scene is crazy!

packed

So now you do the customary look around the club to see if you know anyone there.  You’re also lookin out for people you halfway know because they will be the ones to snitch when they catch you down on all fours and lettin two people grind up on you from both sides!

Once you’ve identified that the place is pretty much hater-free, you join your crew over at the bar for a drink.  Of course the dudes with the camera and flowers are walking around!  You pass on the flowers but you and the crew decide to pose for a picture.

crew(Why are her eyes closed?)

After a couple of glasses of liquid courage, it’s time to do you thing!  There’s some good looking eye candy in the spot, people are drinkin, dancin and wildin so, it’s definitely about to get poppin!

grind-time

It’s official right now!  You’re focused!  Tonight is your night!  It just might be one of those nights when you tell your crew that you’ll catch up with them tomorrow because you’ve found that special someone that’s trying to join you for a private afterparty.

wowYEAH!!!!!  It’s a wrap!  Got this!  Bout to be on a solo mission!

Aiight, now it’s just a matter of time before you’re gonna be out to go do your THING!  Time to get it in!  So you chill and dance to a few more songs.  But of course by now, the club is a mess!  Everyone’s drunk, spilling drinks, bumping into you…all you want to do is get out of there!  However, they drop YOUR SONG!!

This is the pinnacle of your night!  You already got a special someone for the night so, you grab his or her hand and take your drunk behinds onto the dance floor.  It’s going great right up until……(watch girl on left)

It’s like one of those slow motion movie scenes!  You seem to be falling forever!  The music has stopped and for some reason everyone in the club turned and looked at YOU just before you BUSTED YOUR A$$!!!!!! Your special someone comes to your rescue but you know, he or she knows and everyone else in the club knows….it’s officially a WRAP!!

You are the ONLY person who fell all night long.  There is no way that your special someone (who’s slowly inching further and further away) is going to leave the club with you!  They are not going to be known as the one who left the club with the person who did a swan dive onto the dance floor!

With this unfortunate turn of events, miraculously you are now instantly sober.  And since you’re crew is not ready to leave yet, all you can do is go take a seat as far away from the dance floor as possible and just wait until their drunk a$$es are ready to go.

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you ever seen this happen to someone else?  Luckily, I’ve never been “that person,” but if YOU have been – it’s OK!  We have a solution!

The Vibram Five Fingers shoes!!!!

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C’mon now, just think about it.  Do you think you would have slipped and busted you a$$ if you were rockin these?  HELL NO!! Sh*t, if you were wearing these, you could have done like 6 backflips, ended it with a split and been straight!!!!  No slip, no slide, no stumble!  You nothin but good money all night long!

So you’re kinda on-board with the kicks, but now you’re worried about matchin with your outfit, right?  Don’t worry – we got you!!

We already showed you two pairs, the blue for the ladies and black for the gents.  Below we got the white & peach for the women and some brown joints for the dudes.  See…the flavors are ridiculous!  It’s crazy.  Like I said, we got you!!!

flavors b

flavors w

Now I know some dudes out there aren’t into all that dancing and stuff.  You all are more on that thuged out tip, just laid back gettin sippy and hollerin at shortys.  No need to worry – we got you too!

copy-of-flow-camoSee, we got the camo joints!  Rock it with an Army jacket, bubble vest, snorkel or even a just a Russell Athletic hoodie!  Regardless, you straight kid!

OK, I’ve done a lot of talking and promoting these shoes.  But don’t just take my word for it!  Let me show you visual proof that these shoes work wonders in the club!  We even have actual quotes from satisfied customers!

stalker“Yo son, these kicks have elevated my numbers incredibly!  Before, I’d approach chicks and they would run away from me with the quickness.  But with the Vibram Five Finger joints, I’m like a f*ckin ninja!  I creep up on chicks from behind and grind up on them mad quick before they even know what hit them!  I’m never goin to the club without them!”   –  5 Finger Ninja

on-the-low“Hey, what’s up man.  Sorry I can’t show my face because I’m married and this chick is just my jump off.  You know how it is out here brother!  But yeah, with the Vibram Five Fingers, my wife never hears me leaving the house!  She thinks I’m downstairs in the basement playing Xbox all night, but I really up in the club creepin.  Definitely recommend these to brother’s like me who are married, but still dating.” – 5 Finger Creeper

two“Dude, look at me!  I’m dancing with TWO hot b*tches!  TWO!  This never happened to me before – ever!  I owe my life to my Five Fingers!  F*ck all day, f*ck all night – I really love these hoes!!!”  – Five Finger Believer

chillin“Baby, these Five Fingers have got me so relaxed that I don’t even care that this crazy lookin fool has his arm around me!  What the hell is really going on with that curly mess on the top of his head anyways?  Whatever… since I started wearing these, I never leave the club with my feet hurting anymore!  All you chicks out there need to recognize!” – Five Finger Diva

The people have spoken!  Vibram Five Fingers are the wave of the future!  Get on board or keep bustin your a$$ in the club!

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5 thoughts on “Funny Stuff: 12 am on my way to the club……

  1. Yo Son,

    While this entire blog concept you have going on is mad creative in its own right, this latest post has got to be the most creative shit I’ve seen by far. Dog, where the hell do you come up with this shit?! Like, on the real, how do you sit and think of this shit? The pictures and comments from the satisfied customers cap off the shit something proper–that shit was mad funny! And shorty in the soulja boy shit busted her ass something terrible. What’s worse is that you can’t see her plummet from the stage entirely, so it’s all up to your imagination to visualize exactly how she landed…DAMN! Yo, I’m out. One.

    Details

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  2. yo that shit was hot. not going to lie. but fam why you lying to your fans. see i know you very well. and no you were not the one to fall in the club but shit you were the muthafucka that slept in the club, spilled drinks on yourself, step in the name of love to every fucking song. Yeah n*gga Lil john, step in the name of love, sean paul, step in the name of love, how you do that by the way.? Jay z, step in the name of love. You be getting wrecked. Oh and how bout sitting in the back of the whip yelling at chicks. yeah thats you son. but overall some good shit.

    look out for the next creation coming to a blog near you. Tear the club up by cotterscourt. in progress as me speak.

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    1. well, that’s my point. granted I’ve had a few crazy episodes in the club but even thru all that, I’ve never fallen!!! The funniest sh*t is when people have to walk up and down steps in the club, especially when there are those 2 or 3 little steps that separate the dance floor from the rest of the club. You are GUARANTEED to see at least one person catch their foot and tumble HARD on those little steps!!!!! (Remember the steps you had to walk down at the Viper Room? I’ll never forget when I saw this chick almost die when she was trying to look cute and misjudged the steps! LOL!!!) With all this club talk, I kinda want to go to the club now…

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  3. Fu*king funny! Sad part is, I actually do wear them to the club, I have every color so my outfit always matches, and I swear I pull out the iphone at least 2 or 3 times a night showing people the website.

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  4. No lie I use that shit when I go out to do some freerunning/parkour.
    They feel so nice. The grip on them is SOO GOOD.
    I jump from rails to rails, and front flip off rocks with ease.
    After I got those shoes I can get MAD height running up a wall.
    Maybe I ought to rock em to the club once. Maybe to one of those big-ass raves. When the popo rolls in.. ILL BE GONE!

    Like

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